I haven't been a good sister

He's annoying, exasperating, childish, stubborn, sometimes selfish. And I used to get so irritated with him (still do, actually), because he never seemed to listen, and always seemed so short with me.

But he's also thoughtful, determined, hardworking, considerate, sometimes sensitive. And tonight, he listened. Tonight, we talked. Tonight, I really miss him. And I know, I'm going to change.

My little brother just made me cry. And I don't mind. I don't mind at all.

I'm happy.

Dance, it keeps you alive

I forgot what it's like to be sore from dance. Last night brought it all back. And I love it, I love the ache that comes with every step up and down the stairs today. I love the sheer exhilaration that comes with dancing. I remember now the joy that comes from focusing on the power and the grace and the deceptive weightlessness of every single movement. The awareness of every part of your body as you move through the exercises. Proprioception, love it. And even though I had absolutely no leotard or shoes, and got lost at some point, it just makes me want to go back.

And I will, but not next Monday. Next Monday... I'm going to try salsa. And then I know I'll have to make the choice.

Ballet, or salsa?

so this is me

Sometimes I wonder why I care so much for other people. Then Fabian said, maybe it's your nature, it's not a bad thing to care for your friends and to have them trust you and ask you for help. Just give them the good and move on, or you'll only end up hurting yourself.

And that just made so much sense.

But it still hurts. Even though I've made a conscious decision to separate their problems from my own and not let myself get too worked up about it. It hurts to care and to try to help someone, when that someone doesn't realise it and every offer you make is unknowingly turned down. Or worse, when that someone doesn't even want to help himself. And its so much worse when it's not just one person, but a few. I've all but given up on one, but not the others. I feel bad giving up though, even though he makes me so angry I can't even stand the sight of him now. Sometimes I wonder if they're just making excuses to hide that they're not interested in putting in work. The one thing I know, is that I'm trying to help them understand the work. I never asked them to do more, I don't have the right to. I don't want to stress them more than they already are. And having felt that level of stress before, I know it makes life hell.

I'm too stubborn, I know. Mama always said so. She also said I'm too proud, that I get too passionate about things, care too much, too easily. And I never wanted to listen, I always argued that she was wrong. But now, I'm not too proud to admit that she's always been right, and that the qualities (yeah, wrong word here, too lazy to think of the right word) she listed then are responsible for the heartache now.

So this is me. If only I knew how to make all those qualities work for me.

I believe its right to care, to try to help. I would willingly take on my friends problems, because I don't like to see them alone and hurting. Yet I'd never press the issue. You don't have to tell me the problem if you don't want to, but I'd help you in anyway I can. The ironic thing is, I hate to burden others with my problems.

So when you scolded me for not calling, for thinking you'd be too busy, I cried. I cried knowing I have the best friends anyone could want. I cried knowing you were all too far away, wishing I didn't have to be alone here at the worst time in my life. It's not that I don't have friends here, its not that I can't trust them. Would it make sense if I said that it didn't feel right to bother them? I cried, frustrated that the people here I put in so much effort for, don't even seem to give a damn. And I hoped that it's only because they don't know how to express it. I hope all they need is time. I need that patience. I need the strength to be patient and to support them when the stress gets too much for them.

I always wanted to make "us" work, and when it didn't, it finally drained me of what emotional strength I had left in me. And now, every time it seems I'm getting it back, I lose it again. I don't blame you for anything. I don't regret anything. I just want that strength back. The strength to at least zip up my problems inside and look happy instead of grouchy. The strength to persist in what I believe in, to push on with studying. To wait patiently and to give help when it's needed. To not feel hurt when it's rejected. To know exactly what I'm feeling, exactly what I want.

I want to sing and dance out of joy again.

Ming Yuan, if you ever read this, I hope you're well. Take care, okay? We'll miss you

randomness

Hi Nadia!!! I didn't know you read my blog until you mentioned it yesterday... so I'll try to update it more often, k? Haha I think my posts are so long because I don't update that often.

*****

I'm getting sick of the rain... but well, it's winter, I didn't expect it to be dry either. My umbrella hasn't inverted yet, and I hope it won't.

Take Monday for example. It was so wet, there were ducks having breakfast in the quad.
I was so amused, I just had to take a photo. Even if I did get weird looks and comments like "You ran ALL THE WAY from your room just to take photos of a couple of DUCKS?!" Ducks are cute.

It rained AGAIN when we went over to Joel's (Maisie is so cute!!! I want to go play with her again!) Then it stopped when we got back to school for MGC. Only to start again when the session ended... what the...

The good thing is, it didn't rain while we were out for lunch yesterday (thanks Weihao!!). I wonder what people must have been thinking... a group of asian kids, most in red and white, walking and laughing down Northbridge, having dimsum and bubble tea for lunch. Not that we cared.

Then last night, we went to the Tav to watch the NDP. I feel somewhat cheated though... we got there thinking YAY! We get to watch it even though we can't go home. And then, we found out it was the preview parade. Honestly, MPs were never that young. And I really don't like the guy who got out of the Murcielago and ruined the whole image of the car by prancing and spinning around in such a gay manner. Still, it was something to be able to watch the parade. And honestly, when else would we get the chance to hear the national anthem being played here?

Maybe I'm just homesick. I certainly was earlier this week.

Oh yes before I forget.... photos from last Saturday's formal dinner...

jing jing! jing-a-ling... jing-a-what... jingle bells

trying to yank Sheng's tie off him. Mickey Mouse tie. cute.

oh man... no comments.

So Kai, I'm nuts, aren't I? It was freezing (and raining!) that night, and I went in that little dress. Without the shawl, for the most part.

I've spent enough time in front of the com... time to study. It's too cold to iron now... bleh.

what a difference a day makes

Suddenly a part of your identity is gone, changed. Suddenly you're no longer burdened, but free. Suddenly you're not crying anymore. And you know that you have no regrets.

what have I done?! I must be stupid. And what now?

I've never hated myself this much or felt so lost.



I'd curse and swear, but that's not me. Not at all.