so this is me

Sometimes I wonder why I care so much for other people. Then Fabian said, maybe it's your nature, it's not a bad thing to care for your friends and to have them trust you and ask you for help. Just give them the good and move on, or you'll only end up hurting yourself.

And that just made so much sense.

But it still hurts. Even though I've made a conscious decision to separate their problems from my own and not let myself get too worked up about it. It hurts to care and to try to help someone, when that someone doesn't realise it and every offer you make is unknowingly turned down. Or worse, when that someone doesn't even want to help himself. And its so much worse when it's not just one person, but a few. I've all but given up on one, but not the others. I feel bad giving up though, even though he makes me so angry I can't even stand the sight of him now. Sometimes I wonder if they're just making excuses to hide that they're not interested in putting in work. The one thing I know, is that I'm trying to help them understand the work. I never asked them to do more, I don't have the right to. I don't want to stress them more than they already are. And having felt that level of stress before, I know it makes life hell.

I'm too stubborn, I know. Mama always said so. She also said I'm too proud, that I get too passionate about things, care too much, too easily. And I never wanted to listen, I always argued that she was wrong. But now, I'm not too proud to admit that she's always been right, and that the qualities (yeah, wrong word here, too lazy to think of the right word) she listed then are responsible for the heartache now.

So this is me. If only I knew how to make all those qualities work for me.

I believe its right to care, to try to help. I would willingly take on my friends problems, because I don't like to see them alone and hurting. Yet I'd never press the issue. You don't have to tell me the problem if you don't want to, but I'd help you in anyway I can. The ironic thing is, I hate to burden others with my problems.

So when you scolded me for not calling, for thinking you'd be too busy, I cried. I cried knowing I have the best friends anyone could want. I cried knowing you were all too far away, wishing I didn't have to be alone here at the worst time in my life. It's not that I don't have friends here, its not that I can't trust them. Would it make sense if I said that it didn't feel right to bother them? I cried, frustrated that the people here I put in so much effort for, don't even seem to give a damn. And I hoped that it's only because they don't know how to express it. I hope all they need is time. I need that patience. I need the strength to be patient and to support them when the stress gets too much for them.

I always wanted to make "us" work, and when it didn't, it finally drained me of what emotional strength I had left in me. And now, every time it seems I'm getting it back, I lose it again. I don't blame you for anything. I don't regret anything. I just want that strength back. The strength to at least zip up my problems inside and look happy instead of grouchy. The strength to persist in what I believe in, to push on with studying. To wait patiently and to give help when it's needed. To not feel hurt when it's rejected. To know exactly what I'm feeling, exactly what I want.

I want to sing and dance out of joy again.