When inspiration hits.... its almost impossible to focus on anything else. and right now, I'm just bursting with ideas. its insane. I'd better start sketching before I forget anything. The good thing is, I have three months to do everything!

wishlist?

well... I didn't really want to put this up, because so many of these wishes are for things I need but can't really buy... but well, here it is, because Ting wants to see it. and its a long one too.

1. To rebuild that which was lost on 19-10-2008, since I can't turn back time or pretend it never happened.
2. Hair straightener. (and don't say my hair is straight cos it keeps flicking out in weird directions unless its ironed)
3. Get into year 3
4. Wuthering Heights
5. Piano scores. Josh Groban is good – the Awake album, and Remember (from Troy). Hayley Westenra too.
6. A belt. just a plain black one... the elastic sort, preferably adjustable, about 1 inch wide. heh... I have no idea how to describe it better.
7. To know if its you, or alcohol making you act that way. That was no random impulse for me.
8. Ideas! Decorations for a French-Moulin Rouge-cabaret themed dinner... ideas for food and drinks... ideas for the programme... music... ambience... door gifts...
9. Travel!! I wanna go to Geraldton.. Kalbarri... Monkey Mia... Margaret River... Bunbury... Dunsborough... Albany... its annoying how I haven't been out of Perth since arriving in WA.
10. To find a dance partner like Patrick Swayze in Dirty Dancing... if not the technique, then the chemistry and the joy of dancing... or, well, the movie works too.
11. To know what it all means to you and how far you want to take this. Don't leave me hanging on, I want to go forward.
12. Tickets to Phantom of the Opera when it shows in Perth.
13. The words to say.
14. Courage, strength and some self defence. To stay open and honest and me.
15. Music. Lots of new music to listen to and learn.
16. Mineral-based cosmetics
17. To fulfill all my duties as International Rep and do a good job about it
18. And get through year 3 and all the way through my degree to be a competent and respected doctor while I'm at it.
19. Get my license!!!!!!!!! eek.
20. More beads, more wire, more inspiration. Make pretty things!
21. To get rid of all the annoying skin problems that pop up randomly.

Well. Can't be too greedy, can we? I shall just stop here... 21 seems like a good number, hmm? Now don't say you can't find my wishlist!

finding out clarity comes in drips and drabs

how much of that was honest emotion? Was it you or the alcohol speaking? I really don't know anymore... and its happened more than once. How much do you remember?



you never call me when you're sober.

Each memory a song that never seems to end

You taught me to live for the moment. To find joy in the simplest things. To savour each occasion, however insignificant, and hold it in my heart.

(The river in the sunset, the road under the full moon.
Step. Spin. Dip. I've got you on my mind.)

To chill out. To confide and find healing. To try something new.

(Wild. Different.)

Trust breaks into shards of terror. Shards that pierce a heart lain bare by honesty. Confusion. Disappointment. Regret.

Restraint. Interpretation. Alter ego. But I remember, and I know I can't be wrong.

(Every time.)

Words in your voice that haunt the emptiness. Tears. Prayers. There's nothing left but to believe.

(No more words.
Life goes on.)

Those were your lessons. This is a test. I won't take failure for an answer.

forgiveness comes first from within. How is it possible to accept forgiveness from another if you don't believe you deserve it yet? How is it possible to forgive another if you can't forgive yourself?

I'm waiting for a reason. I believe it will happen. We'll know when its time.

Perth royal show.... well, just the last bit

So after about a week of listening to fireworks and grumbling about not being able to see them from Tommy More, I finally got the chance to go over to Claremont to see the firework display finale.

Those fireworks almost made me cry. Words can't possibly describe how breathtaking they were right above our heads, or how they spiralled up, up, up to trace intricate patterns in the Perth night sky.

Next year... I hope I'll actually have time to spend a whole day at the Royal Show.

Protège-moi

Ave Maria, veille sur mes jours et sur mes nuits, sur mon amour et ma vie.

Tonight I learnt that you can hear me. Its too soon for another injury, I'm so grateful that someone's watching over me.

Tonight I learnt.... that its not my turn yet, however close I might have been. Help me forget that feeling, it's not yet time. And even though it's disappointing to know I'll have to wait some more, I'm glad I found out now rather than later. And I pray that one day I won't have to wait anymore.

Help me be stronger tomorrow, and every day after that.

That was a lot to ask... but could I make one more request?

MAF in Perth!

Yup! we celebrated it last Thursday in the alfresco area... nothing like what it would be back at home, but a good night nevertheless. Watching people eat mooncakes, wondering why there aren't any pomelos in Perth, and playing with lanterns! Mooncakes. yum.
Although certain individuals might disagree after trying anything durian-flavoured for the first time. Specifically durian mooncakes. But hey... all in fun, yeah?

"so... what were you doing the last time there was a full moon?" – Jono

Two convocations and a Ball

*Warning: lots of photos*

Since I doubt I'm going to get any work done tonight, I might as well blog. While eating a hot bowl of beehoon. It's late, but I need the heat.... not that I minded going out in the cold (14ºC, anyone?) because it was Charlene's convocation. Congratulations girl! All the best in your job search, and your new hairstyle is really pretty.

Come to think of it, I haven't slacked off this much since... well since the beginning of semester. Monday was all classes and convocation (Fabian) and celebrations (Cynthia's birthday)... And yes congratulations to you too Fabian! Don't have too much fun with daidee and forget about your thesis ok? Not that I think you will. Please do consider that suggestion I made in the card. Please? Pretty please?

Today's been a good day too... particularly after a few chats. Now I feel that there's going to be some progress. I'm just praying that things will turn out well. Plus... hot breakfast, laska for lunch AND dinner, followed by some bak kut teh that Fabian's mum made. mm. yum.

Tomorrow evening should be good too... we're having MAF in college! I'm looking forward to lanterns and tea and watching people eat 月饼, maybe for the first time. no pomelos though... sigh... What I'm not excited about is the 11-6 schedule with no lunch break. ick. Oh well, there's MAF! I wish I could have gone for the real one in HC, but as it happens, there was a college ball that night anyway.

And what a ball it was. I remember dancing in groups and with only a partner, but I danced with so many people I can only remember the outstanding ones. I'm pretty proud of my hairpiece too. Honestly I had no idea how to make it... but somehow, it worked! And like last year's ball, some people were high, some people trashed... others completely wasted. I think I get high on music alone.

"Is the bus coming?"

"Are we there yet?"

Pretty table setting!

Melvin was this hungry... ready to eat the decorations (that's a crane on a flower) because the food took ages to come.But the wait was so worth it. And then... dancing the night away.R&B master. not me.

Absolutely the most fun dance partner ever. Improvisation. Hell yeah.The gentlemanly partner you can absolutely trust to not drop you.Pretty girls!

And when you're exhausted, its time for lots of pictures.

*snicker* I just heard something really interesting about the showers in the next block... but I won't disclose it in case I traumatise the poor reader. Oh well. bedtime!

each one a line or two

...and I've been keeping all the letters
that I wrote to you...

To the one I desperately tried to hold on to,
Happy birthday!
It's been ages. "I'm fine... baby how are you?"

To the friend who agreed to start over,
Things have to return to normal, somehow. We'll see what happens... I hope it all works out.

To the one I've gotten to know better over the break,
Oi. "personal jukebox"?!
Thank you for making the break less boring... I'll miss you a lot too!

...I would send them but I know that its just not enough
my words were cold and flat,
and you deserve more than that...

So much more that I want to say... so much more that I don't know how to say...

I'm not ready to go back... it's not that I don't want to start school. I no longer dread the amount I have to study and the endless contact hours. And so what if I have to handle my own laundry, my own chores, my discipline? I'm almost done packing, I just need another hour or two and I'm good to go.

But I don't want to. Because its not everyday that you get to see people who just understand you. People who, even if they scrutinise your every move, do it out of concern and not boredom. People who aren't 5h away. or more. by plane.

Remember when I made the full set? I can replace this.... but I can't replace you...

Thank goodness for spontaneity... Its just unbelievable that we've not been able to meet as a full group for ages... at best, it's six minus one. I really enjoyed last night's dinner... We'll keep to that promise of another dinner date WITH some dairy products for December, yes? so... "spontaneous much?" And ESTHER WHERE ARE YOU?!
meh.
taken so long ago... the last time we were all together.

Ah well. time to finish packing! meep.

photos!

I should be asleep... my eyes are grainy and I'm yawning so much that I can't sing properly. But my thoughts are flitting around, lighting on different people, different situations, writing the what-ifs and trying to answer the whys.

hm... guess I could put up some photos... they're long overdue anyway. And maybe sorting through them will calm me enough to catch those thoughts and stuff them back where they belong for the night.

IFD Hawaii!

all the pretty garlanded girls... and that was the first time I ever talked to Erica. she's so sweet! haha.

Benedict you sneaky photographer... but thank you!

My neighbour and I and the flower that I really didn't want to throw away. haha I did wonder what you guys were doing at that table...

haha Fabian's shirt! see. you can stick to the Hawaiian theme and still be formal...I tried to take as many photos as possible before my camera died... I think this is quite possibly the last one I managed to get that night. wannabe models.... *ahem*

I'd say it was a pretty good night... more to come next sem!

I wish I knew the words to say to cheer you up and help you believe that everything will work out fine. But this voice that dances on a melody trips over its own words... and so, I hope my company will suffice.

Remember the PBL learning objective about the major causes/risk factors of obesity? We talked about genetics, sedentary activities, diet composition, medication use... and it occurred to me last night that we probably missed one factor: the role that food plays in our social lifestyle. Noodle parties... watching people try to cook yong tau foo... nibbling while studying... nibbling when visiting... ice cream while shopping for presents...

Why all this musing about food? Because I spent most of yesterday eating! Lunch was pretty simple, but the heat outside had a soporific effect, so I dozed off while reading on my bed. Then YJ called... and I ended up accompanying him for his lunch at West Mall while he satisfied his BK craving. I got my sundae pie~ filched some fries, a bit of burger (without the bread), and coke too. After walking around a bit, we went to get some dessert. Turns out I'm not the only one who's partial to soursop! A bit more walking around, then he went home for dinner.

And me? I went off for dinner with YY! see. more food. We probably stayed in Sakae Sushi for over an hour. Maybe two, I dunno... time just passes when you're catching up and eating and looking for more sushi. We both decided to skip dessert at Sakae and get ice cream somewhere else... she wanted Andersen's, I was thinking of hokkaido ice cream. We ended up not getting any... but we weren't too hungry by then anyway.

Truth is, I've been writing this during cooking breaks... yup, I've been cooking since just after lunch for tonight's potluck at Ray's place. Time to pack the food and be off!

this (probably) wouldn't have happened in college

Yayyy finally home!!! Finally got to see Kai and Annie and Zhai and YY and just walk around and talk. Coming home always makes me so happy... even if I do get bullied. And made to take things from the highest shelves because stuff for YY has to be placed at her eye level and therefore too high for the rest to reach. It was especially fun yesterday cos YY had no idea what was going to happen.

And then we forgot the take the cake from my fridge after dinner. How is it possible to forget the cake on someone's birthday? dear YY's cake is still languishing in my fridge.

I say it (probably) wouldn't have happened in college simply because of the typical birthday plans we have in college, where we usually lure people to wherever the cake is. It's a different story altogether when you intend to bring the cake to someone's house. Oh well....

So now I'm free to reveal that I'm actually home. Its all because of you, ok YY? All for you. To give you a nice big (belated) birthday surprise. And since you pressed me for an answer, you left me with absolutely NO CHOICE but to blatantly lie about not coming home for the month. Just to keep up the charade, I decided not to blog after the exams, even though I was more than free to do it. I'd probably have slipped up with something about packing... and then the game would be over.

Argh. Its too hot. and sticky. Really really miss Perth weather now... something like 18ºC would be heavenly. Kai, pretend you didn't just read that.

Ok. enough of my disjointed thoughts and strange rambling... I'll write more later.

They say truth hurts. It did, for a little while. Why do something if you don't really mean it?

But it's also liberating.

Merci.

talk about unlucky...

The power tripped 5 minutes before my radio alarm was set to go off... naturally, I overslept. Good thing it wasn't an exam day though. I should have taken pictures of people studying in the sun that morning. Bright cheery Friday morning... who can resist? Especially when the lack of heat gave us an excuse to study outdoors.

Now. Time for bed. Normal Systems theory tomorrow afternoon.... please please please let me pass... let me remember everything I've studied... let me stay awake and sane long enough to finish this exam and prepare for the rest... let me forget all other distractions until the exams are all over... please? Or is that too much to ask for?

in the cold clammy rain...

there was warmth.

From Joy who kindly dropped me off this afternoon for my patient visit.
From the sweetest old lady I've ever met.
From hearing Esther's message.
From learning that someone stood up for me.

It was miserable outside today. And there's just so much to do. But tonight, I'm happy.

Je suis malade, complètement malade, parfaitement malade

oh. oh my goodness. wow.




Je ne rêve plus je ne fume plus
Je n'ai même plus d'histoire
Je suis sale sans toi je suis laid sans toi
Je suis comme un orphelin dans un dortoir

Je n'ai plus envie de vivre ma vie
Ma vie cesse quand tu pars
Je n'ai plus de vie et même mon lit
Se transforme en quai de gare
Quand tu t'en vas

Je suis malade complètement malade
Comme quand ma mère sortait le soir
Et qu'elle me laissait seul avec mon désespoir

Je suis malade parfaitement malade
T'arrives on ne sait jamais quand
Tu repars on ne sait jamais où
Et ça va faire bientôt deux ans
Que tu t'en fous

Comme à un rocher comme à un péché
Je suis accroché à toi
Je suis fatigué je suis épuisé
De faire semblant d'être heureux quand ils sont là

Je bois toutes les nuits mais tous les whiskies
Pour moi ont le même goût
Et tous les bateaux portent ton drapeau
Je ne sais plus où aller tu es partout

Je suis malade complètement malade
Je verse mon sang dans ton corps
Et je suis comme un oiseau mort quand toi tu dors

Je suis malade parfaitement malade
Tu m'as privé de tous mes chants
Tu m'as vidé de tous mes mots
Pourtant moi j'avais du talent avant ta peau

Cet amour me tue et si ça continue
Je crèverai seul avec moi
Près de ma radio comme un gosse idiot
Écoutant ma propre voix qui chantera

Je suis malade complètement malade
Comme quand ma mère sortait le soir
Et qu'elle me laissait seul avec mon désespoir

Je suis malade c'est ça je suis malade
Tu m'as privé de tous mes chants
Tu m'as vidé de tous mes mots
Et j'ai le cour complètement malade
Cerné de barricades t'entends je suis malade

Have I mentioned that critical appraisals are just so incredibly frustrating? I'd happily shred those articles.

adagio. lara fabian

I'm supposed to be doing my critical appraisal. But I really love this song...

I don’t know where to find you
I don’t know how to reach you
I hear your voice in the wind
I feel you under my skin
Within my heart and my soul
I'll wait for you
Adagio

All of these nights without you
All of my dreams surround you
I see and I touch your face
I fall into your embrace
When the time is right, I know
You'll be in my arms
Adagio

I close my eyes and I find a way
No need for me to pray
I’ve walked so far
I've fought so hard
Nothing more to explain
I know all that remains
Is a piano that plays

If you know where to find me
If you know how to reach me
Before this light fades away
Before I run out of my faith
Be the only man to say
That you'll hear my heart
That you'll give your life
Forever you'll stay

Don't let this light fade away
No No No No No
Don't let me run out of faith
Be the only man to say
That you believe, make me believe
You won't let go
Adagio

And I never want to let you down
Forgive me if I slip away
Sometimes it's hard to find my ground
'Cause I keep on falling as
I try to get away from this crazy world

if one dream can come true...

then I will love someone like you

a breather...

I really hope I can pass today's midsem... though I guess it could have been worse. And after spending pretty much the entire break cramming for it, I'm definitely not inclined to do any work tonight.

might as well catch up on the backlog of posts, hmm?

So... I promised Zhai ages ago to blog about the last formal dinner. Its almost ridiculous how long its been since... considering that the next formal dinner is next Saturday. I had a seriously good time dancing with Jono and Josh Boyle that night. Hopefully there'll be more dancing next week.

K block! and I like my dress. heehee

our table...

Caleb and I had absolutely no idea they decided to pop into the photo... but it seems to have turned out ok..

Speaking of dance... Andres and Daniel were teaching us salsa a few weeks back, on Daniel's birthday... so fun!!! A few of us have been talking about having dance nights... nothing's happened yet. soon, perhaps. Anna's really really good at merengue, and she also showed us a bit of Iranian traditional dance. And Jono picks up dance steps really fast... we were salsa-ing and cha-cha-ing in Sheng's room one night last week.

So, no, the midsem break wasn't all about cramming. I exaggerated. There was a bit of fun... starting with KTV on the first day of the break followed by a bit of shopping. Then some of the other K-blockers had a drinking night on Thursday. And someone ended up pretty high while the rest simply crashed and went to sleep. So I ended up running around with her for a bit (and being very amused!) until she was finally convinced to go back to her room to sleep. Thank you so much for the help Don... I seriously doubt I could have done it alone. We all ended up sleeping until lunch time. Yes, even this non-drinker.

Going to the city with Poh Fung this Friday!!! Yayyy~ For now... time for me to be off. buenas noches~

no hot water?!?!

The poor K blockers had to take freezing cold showers tonight because there was no hot water. At all. And I had to be the one to discover it (because no one else was in). And the water in the back wing, apparently, is dirty. I wonder what's going on... Let's hope its ok tomorrow.

On a more positive note... the GP visit was really really productive today!

I wanna watch a movie tonight... don't think I will though... big bad headache.

Arwen's song

with a sigh you turn away
with a deepening heart
no more words to say
you will find that the world has changed
forever
and the trees are now turning from green to gold
and the sun is now fading

I wish I could hold you closer

Its so pretty....
if one dream can come true, then I will love someone like you

school again.

It begins tomorrow. And the one thing that annoys me is the lack of a fixed lunch break! Oh well... what to do. Just pack lunch.

Anyway! Some pics of my new room. Because I know us_six wants to see.

From the front door. Oh the mess.

From my desk (look! Orlando! Johnny Depp!)

View from the back door.

The view from my balcony... my old room is somewhere in that building.

I think "blah" just about sums it up

3 years already, and its still not over. Sure its better, but some days, it looks and feels just like it did before. Troublesome thing... when is it ever going to end?

two-faced

Janus: a Roman god depicted with two faces, one looking back on the past, one to the future. Related to "ianuam", Latin for "door". Fitting, then, that the first month of the year should be named for Janus...

..what, did you actually think I was going to launch into a scathing commentary about two-faced people? Not likely... I just thought I'd stand in the doorway and do a bit of looking both ways myself.

This time last year, I was busy arranging my withdrawal from NTU, busy sorting out what I'd need for Perth, busy meeting up with the people I'd miss. And then O-week passed in a haze of brightly coloured, noisy excitement, dull paperwork, and terrified uncertainty. That first semester didn't seem to want to end, but one thing's for sure: the workload certainly helped push it along. The second semester seemed to go by in a blur... I remember talking to Benedict one night and suddenly realising that hey, a month had passed! It certainly didn't feel like a month then, more like a week. Feeling more at home in Perth this last semester let me cut loose a bit and live more intensely. In every way.

First year, first time away from home, first time at mass, first real Easter... The more frivolous "firsts": first Sri Lankan dance (ahaha that was fun), first KTV (before the exams even ended!), first duet, first KTV competition, first choir concert... And those unenjoyable firsts that made me grow up and grow that little bit stronger, even if I asked "Why me, why now, what to do?" when they happened.

And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

This past week, I've also been in a bit of a nostalgic mood, making me look back a little further than I'd originally intended to. Blame it on the music if you will, I certainly won't. It seems like I never outgrew the music I so loved back in secondary school. Four years on, the melodies are just as sweet, the lyrics more resonant.

And those years were so much simpler...

There's only room for improvement this year. None of the slips from the past year, none of the haste or heady recklessness. Enough of the Ds... I want better than that. Enough with the mood swings. I'm taking better care of myself this year. I'm going to be a lot more disciplined this year.

Less than two months before school starts again... am I looking forward to going over? I honestly can't say. I haven't really been thinking about it. When I do, it's not about schoolwork, it's usually about bringing people around, as promised. I guess I'll just deal with the year as it comes.

By the end of the holidays, I'll have saved enough to have bought a few things that I really really want. I'll have designed a few more accessories and clothes. By the end of the year, I'm going to be able to drive. I'll have done well enough to be proud of myself. I'll be a better singer. I'll have taken that step in realising a few dreams. I'll have made a few more mistakes than I'd like, but hopefully... I'll be a better person.