Friday 31 August 2007

Kai knows I'm impulsive

...and by the end of this post she'll be glad I was impulsive on Tuesday afternoon.

So there I was, quite exhausted after finishing up some anatomy. And I looked out the window and saw a rainbow shimmering, its beauty ephemeral. Then I was out the door and on the field just in front of my block, camera in hand, trying to get a good shot of the camera.
But the trees were in my way... so off I went to Matilda Bay to get a better angle. Hopefully. Unfortunately the traffic was against me... so I had to wait quite a while to actually cross the road... which also meant that the rainbow was disappearing while I waited.

From this:
To this:
And then I decided to take a few more shots...

Sunday 26 August 2007

"but... like that... you just let all your dreams move away?"

Friday 24 August 2007

I haven't been a good sister

He's annoying, exasperating, childish, stubborn, sometimes selfish. And I used to get so irritated with him (still do, actually), because he never seemed to listen, and always seemed so short with me.

But he's also thoughtful, determined, hardworking, considerate, sometimes sensitive. And tonight, he listened. Tonight, we talked. Tonight, I really miss him. And I know, I'm going to change.

My little brother just made me cry. And I don't mind. I don't mind at all.

I'm happy.

Tuesday 21 August 2007

Dance, it keeps you alive

I forgot what it's like to be sore from dance. Last night brought it all back. And I love it, I love the ache that comes with every step up and down the stairs today. I love the sheer exhilaration that comes with dancing. I remember now the joy that comes from focusing on the power and the grace and the deceptive weightlessness of every single movement. The awareness of every part of your body as you move through the exercises. Proprioception, love it. And even though I had absolutely no leotard or shoes, and got lost at some point, it just makes me want to go back.

And I will, but not next Monday. Next Monday... I'm going to try salsa. And then I know I'll have to make the choice.

Ballet, or salsa?

so this is me

Sometimes I wonder why I care so much for other people. Then Fabian said, maybe it's your nature, it's not a bad thing to care for your friends and to have them trust you and ask you for help. Just give them the good and move on, or you'll only end up hurting yourself.

And that just made so much sense.

But it still hurts. Even though I've made a conscious decision to separate their problems from my own and not let myself get too worked up about it. It hurts to care and to try to help someone, when that someone doesn't realise it and every offer you make is unknowingly turned down. Or worse, when that someone doesn't even want to help himself. And its so much worse when it's not just one person, but a few. I've all but given up on one, but not the others. I feel bad giving up though, even though he makes me so angry I can't even stand the sight of him now. Sometimes I wonder if they're just making excuses to hide that they're not interested in putting in work. The one thing I know, is that I'm trying to help them understand the work. I never asked them to do more, I don't have the right to. I don't want to stress them more than they already are. And having felt that level of stress before, I know it makes life hell.

I'm too stubborn, I know. Mama always said so. She also said I'm too proud, that I get too passionate about things, care too much, too easily. And I never wanted to listen, I always argued that she was wrong. But now, I'm not too proud to admit that she's always been right, and that the qualities (yeah, wrong word here, too lazy to think of the right word) she listed then are responsible for the heartache now.

So this is me. If only I knew how to make all those qualities work for me.

I believe its right to care, to try to help. I would willingly take on my friends problems, because I don't like to see them alone and hurting. Yet I'd never press the issue. You don't have to tell me the problem if you don't want to, but I'd help you in anyway I can. The ironic thing is, I hate to burden others with my problems.

So when you scolded me for not calling, for thinking you'd be too busy, I cried. I cried knowing I have the best friends anyone could want. I cried knowing you were all too far away, wishing I didn't have to be alone here at the worst time in my life. It's not that I don't have friends here, its not that I can't trust them. Would it make sense if I said that it didn't feel right to bother them? I cried, frustrated that the people here I put in so much effort for, don't even seem to give a damn. And I hoped that it's only because they don't know how to express it. I hope all they need is time. I need that patience. I need the strength to be patient and to support them when the stress gets too much for them.

I always wanted to make "us" work, and when it didn't, it finally drained me of what emotional strength I had left in me. And now, every time it seems I'm getting it back, I lose it again. I don't blame you for anything. I don't regret anything. I just want that strength back. The strength to at least zip up my problems inside and look happy instead of grouchy. The strength to persist in what I believe in, to push on with studying. To wait patiently and to give help when it's needed. To not feel hurt when it's rejected. To know exactly what I'm feeling, exactly what I want.

I want to sing and dance out of joy again.

Saturday 11 August 2007

Ming Yuan, if you ever read this, I hope you're well. Take care, okay? We'll miss you

Friday 10 August 2007

randomness

Hi Nadia!!! I didn't know you read my blog until you mentioned it yesterday... so I'll try to update it more often, k? Haha I think my posts are so long because I don't update that often.

*****

I'm getting sick of the rain... but well, it's winter, I didn't expect it to be dry either. My umbrella hasn't inverted yet, and I hope it won't.

Take Monday for example. It was so wet, there were ducks having breakfast in the quad.
I was so amused, I just had to take a photo. Even if I did get weird looks and comments like "You ran ALL THE WAY from your room just to take photos of a couple of DUCKS?!" Ducks are cute.

It rained AGAIN when we went over to Joel's (Maisie is so cute!!! I want to go play with her again!) Then it stopped when we got back to school for MGC. Only to start again when the session ended... what the...

The good thing is, it didn't rain while we were out for lunch yesterday (thanks Weihao!!). I wonder what people must have been thinking... a group of asian kids, most in red and white, walking and laughing down Northbridge, having dimsum and bubble tea for lunch. Not that we cared.
Then last night, we went to the Tav to watch the NDP. I feel somewhat cheated though... we got there thinking YAY! We get to watch it even though we can't go home. And then, we found out it was the preview parade. Honestly, MPs were never that young. And I really don't like the guy who got out of the Murcielago and ruined the whole image of the car by prancing and spinning around in such a gay manner. Still, it was something to be able to watch the parade. And honestly, when else would we get the chance to hear the national anthem being played here?

Maybe I'm just homesick. I certainly was earlier this week.

Oh yes before I forget.... photos from last Saturday's formal dinner...
jing jing! jing-a-ling... jing-a-what... jingle bells
trying to yank Sheng's tie off him. Mickey Mouse tie. cute.
oh man... no comments.
So Kai, I'm nuts, aren't I? It was freezing (and raining!) that night, and I went in that little dress. Without the shawl, for the most part.

I've spent enough time in front of the com... time to study. It's too cold to iron now... bleh.

what a difference a day makes

Suddenly a part of your identity is gone, changed. Suddenly you're no longer burdened, but free. Suddenly you're not crying anymore. And you know that you have no regrets.

Monday 6 August 2007

what have I done?! I must be stupid. And what now?

I've never hated myself this much or felt so lost.



I'd curse and swear, but that's not me. Not at all.

Saturday 4 August 2007

overdue

The title says it all. I went to King's Park on the first day of school (read: almost two weeks ago), and its only now that I realise... I haven't blogged about it!

oops

So what triggered the memory? Fabian did, actually, Friday evening. He'd taken Wanlin and I out for dinner in Northbridge (Korean food. yum. definitely go again). We drove through King's Park on the way back, and he asked if I'd ever seen the view of the city from the park at night. I hadn't... because after almost 5 months here in Perth, I've barely been out exploring. And only gone up King's Park twice. I know, boring me. I've got another 5.5 years to slowly explore the whole of WA though. Maybe more. Anyway, he told me to look left as we passed through... and I couldn't keep my eyes off the view.

Pity I didn't have a camera with me then. So we'll just have to settle for daytime views instead...

So. Rewind two weeks. Joel drove Arthur, Hui, and I there. I won't say the weather was good, Perth's weather has been rather fickle lately ("to rain, or not to rain..."), but we did have some rain-free spells to run around. Well, I ran around taking photos... the three of them have been here long enough to avoid acting all touristy.

I guess most people who go to King's Park go to see the Western Australia War Memorial first, and the Eternal Flame. The flame is set in a pool, surrounded by a ring of flowers and another of steps, with the different battles carved into the stone. The Memorial itself is directly in front of that, and overlooking the Swan River.
While taking those photos, I also noticed a rainbow... Kai, this one's for you!I remember it poured after that, and the rainbow was nowhere to be seen when the rain stopped a second time. No matter... I busied myself with taking pictures of the Swan River and the areas south of the river.
Pretty, no? We decided to explore other parts after that. Really, the place is just huge... nowhere near the size of Stanley Park in Vancouver (which I love, by the way... I'd really love to go back there someday), but still hard to cover in a few hours. The next place we went to... well, I've forgotten the name, Arthur probably knows, since he suggested we visit it. And again, I went nuts with the photo-taking... Which, of course, prompted him to say, "You have six years to do this!!!"
Aren't the fountains just beautiful? And that tiny waterfall is pretty too...
I got back from my photo-taking spree to find the three of them right where I'd left them, sitting on a bench under a tree. Only now, Joel was torturing a flock of hungry birds...
Arthur suggested Synergy Parkland after that, so he drove there. I took more videos than photos there, it seems. Pity...

So that was my original plan for the day. FCP, lunch, a trip out, and then study at night. But I didn't do any studying in the end. Well, it was only the first day... Ben brought us (me, Dan, KY) to Northbridge that night for bubble tea (the boys) and ice cream (me). Then we had a long talk about study groups and people and random things in general over bubble tea and ice cream.

And after that? Did we go back to college? Nope... instead, we did one of the more insane things I've ever tried here. Perhaps the most insane. Drive out to Cottesloe beach. At 10pm. Then walk along the beach, with the wind threatening to blow me off my feet, raindrops falling and scattering transient jewels in our hair, and the waves crashing on the sand. I didn't know whether I would freeze or be blown away, but I must say, it was rather thrilling to feel the wind and the cold. (Kai. Don't give me that look. I know you think I'm nuts now.) It was too dark to take a proper picture... pity, that. It was so grand, so humbling, so beautiful. Thanks for inviting us out, Ben. We should go again, when you're free.

So that was my first day of the semester. No homework, and two trips out. It's too late to talk about tonight's formal dinner now, and I doubt anyone has uploaded photos. Probably still out clubbing. Me? I'm turning in. Study group tomorrow, and I intend to make the most of it.

Buenas noches

Friday 3 August 2007

I cannot crack now, I must not. I owe us both an answer, though it might be an answer I fear knowing. I've also committed myself to helping them, and I'm absolutely willing, because they're willing to help themselves. And honestly, its only the second week of the semester. It's absolutely pathetic to crack now. If I can't handle the work now, how am I going to handle worse in the future?

I need to get a grip. I will not crack